Who Else Wants Children Who Adore Them?

What's better than the love and cuddles of a little child? Chubby arms thrown around our necks and small heads nestled close. How does time fly so fast and where did our sweet babies go? How did those long days turn into the swift years that have now taken our children to find their own paths through life?

They are grown, and we are in a new season. While it isn't an open topic of discussion, there is an underground buzz humming around us. Adult kids love their parents but sometimes lament about the relationship, wishing for more understanding, more support, more respect. Parents wish their kids would call more, come home more, respect them more. More, more and more.

It's often subtle, but the buzz is there.

I hear it. Do you? Maybe I hear more because I read and write about it. 

Much of what I read seems to keep us in our traditional parent/child roles from the days we raised them.  Am I the only one who is uncomfortable with that model? The more I read and mull over scripture, the more I think God expects our relationship to morph and change and take on significantly different dynamics from when they lived at home.

I'll always be the mom, but it looks different these days. They need something different from me now.

Our friendship benefits from our relationship being a two-way street. Me older and experienced; them young and fresh and full of new ideas and perspective. Me, an influencer and safe haven; them a trusted friend and confidant as we both travel down unfamiliar roads in life.

A big part of me changing is remembering they are grown up now.

What does that mean?

1. No finger wagging. Enough said.

2. No lectures. Lectures are for formal education. They have no place in our relationship with our adult children.

I want to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I want my children to adore me,  to "rise and call (me) blessed." How in the world can that happen? It has little to do with giving birth. No, I believe we gain their admiration and affection because of the woman we become. When we imitate that kindness, love, and respect for everyone around us (including our children), we earn the honor of that Proverbs lady.

Stay with me while we consider this a little more. In another example, God makes it clear in Proverbs what he thinks of a nagging wife. "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife." Ouch. 

If nagging is terrible for our marriage, what makes us think it's any healthier in our relationship with our children? In my life, I have found that if I often resort to nagging, something is wrong with our relationship.

I know, if they would just...I wouldn't have to nag, right?!

Wouldn't it be a better use of our time to figure out the root of the issue and work at fixing it than to spend our energies on something that has failed time and time again? 

Transitions in our lives often show us where we need shoring up. I like to think of it as God's nod of confidence coming our way, a slap on the back or a high five from the one who created us. 

"You've got this."

"You are going to be stronger, better, happier, healthier, wiser on the other end of this transition."

What does this have to do with our adult children?

Everything.

There is no area of my life, of your life, that God leaves untouched. Nothing he leaves to chance. At no time does he turn his back or take a break and leave us alone.

We might not sense his presence. We might feel weary on the journey and wonder where he is leading. We might not understand ourselves or our children. 

God does.

Today, you and I are going through a transition.  Life is a constant, uphill transition.

Our children are older than they were yesterday. They have entered a new year of high school (yep, adulthood in this wonderous parent/child relationship starts early).

They have left for college.

They live with you but are forging lives apart from you.

They are married, and another holds first place in their hearts.

They have moved states or oceans away from you. (And some of them took your grandchildren with them!)

They have returned home, but have asked you not to "parent" them again.

They have made decisions you don't approve of. (That's something else to talk about on another day.)

Yes, sometimes our mom-hearts pulse with pain. And then they beat with mind-boggling joy!

The most fantastic part is learning to walk a new path in life alongside them. 

Learning is the key.

No one knows how to walk strong all the time. Some of us totter less and some more. But totter we do. 

As we totter, we face a question. Will we learn? Will we embrace opportunities and learn to let go, respect, and to communicate in new and more effective ways? Will we learn from our victories and repeat them often.  And will we learn from our mistakes and avoid creating an uncomfortable distance?

Will we set the tone in conversations to be giving and thankful, not demanding or full of expectation? 

Those choices rest on us, not on our children.

It helps me to remember that my children are a gift from God.

The gift is unique, but the giver of the gift is fantastic.

Each stage of our lives shows me more and more about the giver of this gift. Every advancement my children make in life encourages me to draw closer to God, the giver of all our gifts. 

When I draw closer to the giver, I am able to enjoy the gift even more. If I focus solely on the gift, I find myself in trouble.

Sometimes I get clingy and end up suffocating my gift. I can feel entitled to specific treatment by my gift. I might feel unappreciated. I can feel overly anxious about the care and treatment I am expected to give.

The giver, the creator of the gift - He's smart.

He gave each of us the perfect gift - the gift we need to learn the most we can about the giver.

As we learn about the giver and draw close to Him, our appreciation, treatment, and understanding of the gift grow and matures.

My hope and prayers are that each of us will enjoy this stage of our lives.  We can do this. We can create a new "home" that our children want to enjoy all the days of our lives. We can remain the mom that they adore forever.

The day we brought our gift home was a memory etched in our hearts forever. As we grow in wisdom, we will appreciate that the adult gift we have now is even more precious than the bundle we carried home.


I always love to hear from you. Email comments and questions to lorikayziegler@gmail.com