Six Benefits Of Being Schooled By Our Adult Kids

When your daughter studies nutrition and finds amazing new recipes,  the whole family benefits from  their deliciousness!

Of all the roles I have claimed in life so far, that of a teacher has been one of my favorites. It makes my heart happy to share helpful information. When I have shared a skill or a lesson or an idea with someone who has used that skill, experience, or thought to make their life fuller in some way, it fills my heart with a joy that is hard to explain.

As an older woman, I take the direction in scripture to teach the younger women seriously. I don't always do it perfectly, as I have shared before, but I try to learn from my mistakes, grow in wisdom and keep learning on this journey we call life.

But today I want to talk about letting the younger ones teach us, letting our adult children enjoy the satisfaction of becoming our teacher. I figured out at least six benefits of allowing the student to become the teacher. Allowing and even encouraging this new dynamic holds rewards for our children and for us as well.

Scripture teaches us in Proverbs that we are smart to seek counsel in our lives.

"For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisors." Proverbs 11:14 (NIV)

"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors, they succeed." Proverbs 15:22 (NIV)

"Surely you need guidance to wage war, and victory is won through many advisors." Proverbs 24:6 (NIV)

Seeking counsel and advice has been a pretty consistent part of my life over the years. But when I think about it, most of the council and information I valued the most have come from what might be best described as top-down. I might ask several people for their opinion, but those with more experience or perhaps more years in their lives get the most attention.

I think that's probably pretty normal and I think in many cases it's smart to seek counsel from experts.

I'm thinking, however, that I need to redefine my idea of an expert. Expertise doesn't necessarily come from being older.  For example, I know for sure that most everyone younger than me is more of an expert when it comes to technology.

When it comes to my adult kids, there is an area that they are pretty expert at, and that is in knowing Tom and me. Really, who knows us better than our kids? Besides Tom, I would venture to say that no one else knows the ins and outs of my character and personality as well as Nick and Kati. And now that they are adults, they have become a great resource in my life.

We might wonder if our kids can really see us as we are. I believe they have been observing us for a long time. Their young eyes and minds might not have been able to process what they saw all the time, but they saw us none the less.

One time when Nick was 4, he and I drove Tom to work. After we dropped Tom off and as we drove away, Nick's small voice floated to me from the back seat. "Mommy, why did you talk to daddy that way?" "What way, sweetie?" I responded. "You know, mommy."

And I did know. It had been a tense drive to work. I was short with Tom. Nick was my witness. And he knew it wasn't good. I learned from that point on to never underestimate what my kids understood about things they saw.

Fast forward 26 years. Nick and Kati are adults. Married adults. Working adults. Working as campus and youth and family ministers. They are smart. I benefit a lot when I ask their opinions. Here are six of the benefits I've seen from allowing the student (our adult kids) to become the teacher.

1. I gain a fresh perspective.

Their youth gives my adult kids a unique perspective. I don't know about you, but as I age, sometimes I find the lines get blurred, and I don't see things quite as clearly as I used to. While my life experiences have taught me to be gracious, kind, gentle and hopeful, sometimes I need the black and white view that their youth still sees. If I listen to them and watch their lives carefully, I benefit from being reminded of the things I did in my own youth - maybe the things I did in my "first love" phase of life?

2. I validate my children as adults.

A comment from a woman in her 30s has stuck with me over the years since I started researching about enjoying a happy and healthy relationship with my adult children. "I can't wait for my dad to ask for my advice about something. I've seen him ask my brother what he thinks. It will mean a lot when he asks me. I will know then that he sees me as an adult. It will validate that I have something to offer him."

We all want to be validated. We gain confidence from knowing that people we respect also respect us.

I want to offer my children the gift of validation, the gift of my respect.

3. My adult children grasp a generation that I struggle to understand, so they make me wiser.

Jesus speaks across generations, and the gospel is the good news for all people and all cultures. But to be frank, I don't always get the way today's college students and teens think about life. I promised myself to never be that person who said things like "when I was your age..."

But, "when I was your age..."

I need my adult kids and your adult kids to help me understand their world. How can I train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be busy at home, etc. (Read Titus 2:3-5) if I don't understand their lives. Life is different today than it was when I was 25. It's different than it was when I got married and had children. I lived in Africa when my children were small and had help in our home. (That's another story for another day. Please know it was expected and played an important role in the economy.)

If I try to teach based solely on what I experienced I will miss the mark every time in my counsel.

4. You will build a memory that brings a smile to their faces.

"I'll never forget that trip," my young friend told me. "It was a long ride to our vacation spot, and my dad asked my sisters and me for advice all the way there. My mom sat back and let us ask him questions that helped him figure out a new direction God was offering to him. It was so cool. I'll never forget how humble he was."

Enough said. Who else wants to leave those kinds of memories for their children to cherish?

5. You teach your adult children to imitate Jesus.

One of the last things Jesus said to his disciples was this. "I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." (John 15:15 NIV)

I'm not Jesus. And my kids are not my servants. I think there is a principle here that still applies.
Maybe it goes something like "I no longer call you children because a child does not know his parents' business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything I have learned about God I have passed on to you and I trust you. I believe in you. I think that you have things to share with me now."

A mom told me several years ago that she didn't want to share medical information or other information about growing older with her adult children "until they were mature and ready to handle it." One one hand, I get that sentiment completely. I don't want to burden my kids unnecessarily. On the other hand, how else will they become mature and learn to handle life if I don't allow them to become privy to the challenging aspects of my life? Who is better to equip them for aging besides me?

If I let them help me and bring them into my circle of trusted friends and confidants, I teach them how to pass that on to their children as they age as well.

It will make the transitions that often become necessary later in life a whole lot easier if we start practicing humility with our adult children now. The circle of life starts out so humbling, but we are too small and too new to understand the humility required of us to learn and grow.  The circle often ends with us needing the help of those same babies we helped so many years before.

6. It brings freedom.

When you allow yourself the freedom to learn from everyone, you gain the love, respect, and connection with the people you hope most to influence in life. And if they trust you and know that you are not done learning yourself, you become a safe place for them to confide and a haven to hide when life gets tough. That's something I cherish deep in my heart when it comes to my adult kids.

"A student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher." Luke 6:40 (NIV)

I'm sure there are more benefits to gain from allowing the student to become our teacher. What have you learned on your journey? What would you share to help us on this path?

More Scriptures to ponder on this topic:

"I myself am convinced, my brothers and sisters, that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with knowledge and competent to instruct one another." Romans 15:14 (NIV)

"Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor." Galatians 6:6.

Kati worked as certified health coach before taking a job working in the full-time ministry.  Here she is, teaching an eager group of older adults about the dangers of eating too much sugar.

"It is not only the old who are wise, not only the aged who understand what is right." Job 32:9 (NIV)

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance-" Proverbs 1:5 (NIV)